Cocooned by the will of God

It's been a long time since I've gotten excited about God.

Or anything for that matter.

I have been living in what I have called "The Year of the Great Darkness"...a year when so much has been stripped away...taken away...denied.

I have been dancing around God...eyeing Him...watching Him...waiting for Heaven knows what.

Who was this God I had bet my life on? And where was He during the days, no months, of anguish and tears and depression?

My feeble cry, my simple prayer, became, "Please, please don't forget the work of Your hands." That was it.

Some call this The Dark Night of the Soul and I have come to believe that's a fitting name for it, for the path ahead is unclear...you've never traveled it before so you don't know how to get Home.

And you begin to wonder...

"Suppose the darkness never lifts?"

"Suppose you are left to wander in it forever?"

"Suppose this is the new normal and you're not sure you want to live anymore if it is?"

The verse about people in darkness seeing a great light...Isaiah 9:2...has always been one of my favorite Christmas verses. It sounded so good. So right. So Christmassy. But I never understood the horror of it until now.

"The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light. For those who lived in a land of deep shadows- light! Sunbursts of light!"

It's one thing to maneuver around your home in a power outage...it's another thing entirely to walk in a foreign place where you are completely unfamiliar with your surroundings. 

It's frightening. I feel those people's pain. 

Now I know you're thinking, "But wait! That verse doesn't end with darkness...there's light, too!"

Yes, yes there is.

But those people walking in darkness didn't flip on the light switch. God did.

And that's what's been one of the hardest things for me to understand...this God, my Heavenly Father, could switch on the light in a heartbeat. But He hasn't. Why?

Instead, He's allowed me to wander in the dark night...in the land of deep shadows. Why?

And then there was Light!

It's that time of year...the time of year when I get asked the same question over and over and over again, "What do you want for Christmas?"

This morning as I was rummaging through my stack of Advent devotionals wondering which one to use this year, two questions kept running through my mind...

"My daughter, what do you want this Christmas? What is your heart's desire?" 

And that made me stop. And lean back. And stare out the window at the nativity on our deck and the golden ornaments swaying in the breeze high above it.

What is my heart's desire?

I want those I love who do not know You to find their hope and joy in You this year...not in the transient things of this world.

I want the lonely to be embraced. Acknowledged. Known.

I want the hungry to be fed...not only physical but spiritual food...food that lasts not just for a day, but for all eternity.

And a million other things...

But what I want most is You...and for the world to see You in the midst of all the hustle and bustle, glitter and decorations, noise and fervor.

Christ in Christmas.

That is my heart's desire...To know You and make You known.

But how, Lord?

When you just can't lift your head up one more time

Today was the last day of my year long adventure into "Grand Jury Duty".

Not just "Jury Duty" mind you.

No, I get "Grand Jury Duty".

Which was anything but grand.

If I had any preconceived notions that I lived in a safe, quiet county, forget it.

Shot that one down.

How about the goodness of mankind?

Ha! Let's try the depravity of mankind...that works better.

Drugs. Violence. Rape. Abuse. Murder.

Case after case...295 of them today. With all the sordid details included.

I wanted to weep. Wail. Lash out.

I. Can't. Do. This. Anymore.