dear you, never give up

I have begun this post many times over the past few weeks, but each time I shelved it...knowing it wasn't right...that there was still more to be done in my heart and mind until it was ready to be shared...with you, and believe it or not, with myself. So often I  am amazed at what comes out as I sit down to type, trusting that what He's saying is what I often cannot.

On Sunday I will turn 60. Maybe it should be spelled out...sixty...it looks less intimidating that way. I have been dancing around the acceptance of this for months now, at times dreaming of running away before it could happen...going to some exotic place where no one knows who I am or how ancient I  am...a place where I could at least attempt to outrun the inevitable and all the fears that are wrapped around reaching this milestone age.

But I'm still here. And today I realize that there's no place I would rather be. I have dear family coming in this afternoon to celebrate over the weekend, and other loved ones who will join in the party Sunday after church at Paco's Tacos...my go-to place when I need comfort and good food.

Being sick this week has given me time to be still, to sit and reflect and listen for God's heartbeat and not my own rapidly racing one...to spend time pouring through old photos and breathing in all the grace and goodness that is my life...watching rainbows dance across the room each morning as I hugged cups of lemon tea, and wrapped in the stillness that comes at the end of the day as the birds flutter in for one more meal before darkness blankets the earth.

I am blessed. And to think I almost missed this truth! Yes, there is now more behind me than before me. And there's a bittersweet sorrow for all the lost opportunities of my past and for all the dreams of the future that I know now will never materialize. Time is slipping through my open hands and I can no more grasp on to it than I can hold on to a sunbeam.

The gift of a handicap

Have you ever heard the saying, "If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans?"

Well, over a week ago someone said to me, "Send me your newest blog when it's ready."

And I, confident in my ability to foresee the future, replied, "Oh it will be up tomorrow! I'll make sure I send it on to you." Laugh. Laugh.

It is now nine days later. Like the pastor said during his talk on Sunday, "What makes you think you were ever in control?"

And that is really a very good question.

I come from a long line of controlees...people who were wired to "keep it together"...a direct descendent of William Bradford who took the ultimate control and left the Old World across the Pond to establish a colony in the New World....

A Swamp Yankee by heritage...born with a bootstrap in hand and an ingrained sense of how to pull oneself up by said bootstrap on a daily basis.

The thing about bootstraps is that the more you pull on them, the stronger your boot-strap-pulling-muscles grow. It becomes second nature to pull, pull, pull. After awhile, you don't even realize you are pulling anymore.

But eventually you do realize you are tired...very, very tired. And pulling gets more and more difficult. But you can't imagine ever letting go. Pulling is the only life you have ever known...how would life go on without your pulling?

And in that desperate moment God, in His infinite mercy, looks down upon you and plants in you a hunger for rest, which being the good controlee you are, only means you amp up your need to pull harder and make that rest-thing happen by golly!

Rest? Got it! Pull, pull, pull!

So God, in even greater mercy, steps up the trials and tribulations in your life. And you pull harder and harder...and the cycle goes on and on and on...

Until one day you can't pull anymore. And exhausted you let go, not seeing God in the midst of it, just believing that you must have failed. If you had held on just a little longer...pulled a little harder...all these trials and tribulations would not be happening.

Paul has a name for this merciful intervention by God..."The Gift of a Handicap"...

Standing at the edge of a grave...or...why it is better to have loved and lost.

Dearest loved one...

I felt your pain as we stood in the cold misty rain yesterday...

Staring into a deep, clay-colored hole in the forest floor...

Cardboard box by your side.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw another grave...draped in a shroud of soggy, colorless leaves...

Of another pet we had loved and lost...our never-too-smart, but dearly loved rescue dog from Mexico...Venga.

I would have given anything to spare you the pain I saw written on your face.

First Corinthians does a great job of telling us what love is...

But it doesn't touch on the heart-wrenching pain that love brings.

At times like this, it can be so hard to remember that this is not all there is...

That this cramped hallway we call life here, leads to Life There.

As Dad shoveled the clods of dirt onto Smeagol's box, a thought penetrated my daze...

Smeagol is not here! He's There...with Venga!

I could envision Venga prancing up on her back legs, goofy look in her eyes as she bent down to nuzzle Smeagol...

Who was purring with delight at finding a familiar friend...a loved one...waiting for him There.

And Smeagol was whole again!

Plump, with lungs that no longer labored for each breath...restored...and deliriously happy!

I wanted to smile and high-five a God who makes all things new, but I dared not.

"Why does God have to take the things we love?" you sobbed.

I wish I could have answered you yesterday with what I know today with all my heart...

Finding your Calcutta

For the last several weeks I have been working through a book by Mary Poplin on her time with Mother Theresa and the Missionaries of Charity in India, Finding Calcutta.

I'm not sure why I picked it up, except that I was looking for a good beach devotional...something to keep my Spirit growing without too much work on my part.

Since it's a library book, I haven't been able to mark it, though truthfully that has never stopped me before. I have been known to borrow a book and get so enraptured in it that I forgot I was not its owner and I would have at it like a possessed person. Of course later, with great contrition, I would humbly buy another brand-new copy for the owner. Yeah, I know...

Anyway, today I finally finished the book and I was a little sad...always the sign of a good read in my estimation.

I put it down on the seat next to me....picked it up...skimmed through it...took note of all the Notes in the back...and at that moment I knew I had to get my own copy...the library was waiting for theirs and they do not take kindly to overdue desecrated books. And this book deserves to be a marked edition.

So, you may ask, what is it you are getting at?

Well today I thought I would ask you the same question the Spirit is asking me...if I need to struggle, I do so appreciate company...

"What is your Calcutta?"

Before you answer, read this from the book...

On success and near-death-experiences

Recently a dear friend asked me to read a book on near-death-experiences (NDE's), Imagine Heaven by John Burke.

Her reasoning was that it would motivate me to look beyond this world to what awaits me...that what I learned from it would give me a hope that no matter how messed up things are here... now...that the best is yet to come.

I have to admit that I began with great skepticism, passing all I read through my Great-Sieve-of-Doubt...

Until today, when I read this...

"Not everyone can succeed in the world's eyes. Most will not be rich, famous, or powerful, and the world's glory will pass away with death; yet every single person can succeed in what God put them here to do. He looks at the heart and motives most. 

The world tells us money matters, power matters, prestige matters--and we drive ourselves crazy trying to prove to one another that we're successful enough, important enough, powerful enough; yet in the end it's relationship that truly matters. How ironic that in trying to prove we are worthy of love through accomplishments, we could miss accepting God's love and sharing it with those around us-- and in the end, that matters most for true success!

Everybody wants to change the world; nobody wants to love their neighbor! Yet all God wants us to do to change the world is to love God so we can love our neighbor as much as ourselves.  We may accomplish big things in the world's eyes...But if we fail to love our families, our neighbors, our co-workers and those in need whom God puts in our path, we've failed in the primary task God's given us to do."

Which got me to thinking about true success according to what God says.

If God is looking at my heart and motives, and cares more about my relationship with Him and others and less about what the world says is important, how am I doing?

Remember those days in school, where your mind was off rambling through fields of daydreams, when suddenly the teacher called on you and you had no idea what she was talking about? Because you weren't paying attention? And then everything came quickly into focus?

That's what I'm talking about...how easy it is to go through a day, or a lifetime, thinking about other things and missing what is most important...

What the world is dying for

Quiz time! How would you fill in the blank below?

A world that dies for a lack of____________.

Food?

Water?

Nope, neither one of those, though sadly both are true.  But I'm thinking of something else.

Love. That's the word I'm thinking of.

A world that dies for a lack of love.

I read that this morning and it has been haunting me ever since...

A love that allows us to suffer

It was time to get up.

Sometimes you  just need to give in and stop trying to sleep.

Coffee. Coffee would do it.

Turn on the lights. Take out the dogs. Make the coffee. Sit with the coffee. A normal start to my day.

The newspaper hadn’t come yet, which was a good thing. I usually like to get the bad over with first... read it...and then wash it with the Good News of the Word. Cover it with Truth. And Justice. And Hope.

Eyes still bleary, I did one of those, open-the-Bible-and see-what-happens things.

Hmmm....Lamentations. Not feeling it but let’s see what happens.