I could tell I was upset by the way I was folding the sheets...not that I usually strive for perfection.
But whipping them around and flinging them on the counter were signs that I was upset. No, angry. No, ready to blow.
How could this happen?
And then I thought back to the chapter I had read this morning in Donald Miller's book...where he shared about the time that he was forced to go through his checking account from the previous year, looking for tax deductions. He didn't find many, but what he did find sobered him.
Opened his eyes.
Oh, how well I was identifying with him during that sheet-mutilating-session!
Have you ever had one of those moments? You know, the ones where you swear you can feel the earth moving under your feet as the walls you have built so relentlessly to protect you come tumbling down?
I know for a fact that I had experienced one...many years ago...at my moment of salvation. And now I was in the throes of another.
As the words, asleep in the light, pierced my consciousness, I felt the gentle knife of conviction penetrate my soul.
And only one Person can do that and you best not ignore Him.
For your spiritual life depends on it.
I'm sitting outside in the cold, on a plastic chair, computer on my lap, waiting for the dog to pee, writing this out before I lose my nerve...
I wish that verse about confessing our sins one to another didn't pertain to bloggers. I mean seriously, we're not talking about just one person who will receive it.
But I am talking to my friends, and that gives me the strength to be honest, open, and transparent as Wycliffe taught us in our training so long ago.
And this is my confession...
I have not loved my neighbor as myself.
And God knows I love myself way too much.
How do I know? My checking account betrays me...what I spend my time on betrays me...what I invest in betrays me...what I'm living for betrays me.
Lately I've been having flashbacks...not from drug use, unless chocolate can cause them in which case may they long continue...
No, flashbacks to the way I used to be.
Who was that person? I ask in amazement, as I see her living out her faith...
My love for Christ and His love for me was my motivation. I loved Him passionately and that love drove me to make many sacrifices, including leaving our home and family to work in Mexico as missionaries. I counted the cost and it was worth every penny.
But at some point, over the years, I lost my first love and replaced Him with me.
It didn't happen overnight...it was a slow turning away...
Things that happened that I blamed Him for...
Enticements the world dangled in front of me...
Becoming self-sufficient and self-driven and selfish. Period.
If you were to look at my checkbook today, I would cringe...it would betray me.
Can I say "For out of the checkbook the heart speaks?" without being blasphemous?
Sure I give. But not more than I give myself.
We were invited to hear a young lady present her calling and mission work the other night. I almost didn't go. I didn't want to be inconvenienced after a hard day at work. I knew I could just say Sign us up! and that would enable us to stay in the warm comfort of our home, eating rich food and watching Netflix.
But like I said, I was having flashbacks, and I was part curious to see what God had planned...
And part scared that He did have something planned.
So we went. And as I sat there listening to her...to her passion...her excitement...her commitment, it was like a deja vu moment from 30 years ago.
And like a bucket of ice cold water thrown against my face, I woke up.
And what I saw wasn't pretty. All the way home I sat under the heavy weight of much-needed conviction. When had I left my First Love? Who and what had I become?
I did not, in any way, like what I was seeing.
So I've had two days for God to prepare me for today...for this morning...when I heard about the legalization of abortion to full-term in NY.
Where was I when this was being talked about?
And how many other issues were out there...causes that broke the heart of God...
Causes that I could have prayed about?
God forgive me.
I have done that which I should not have done, and not done that which I should have.
I feel like there's a thaw happening in my heart...a waking up from a long dream...
I feel my heart coming to life again...a restoration...
I don't want Him to stop working in me. I want to live again. For the things that truly matter in light of eternity.
Last night at small group one of the gentlemen spoke up, and with great vulnerability said he knew God wanted him to be bolder.
I want to be bold enough to walk into this wake-up call...
To embrace what He has for me to learn.
And then follow Him...and not myself.
Though years have been lost, I know it's not too late. It never is with God.
There are still battles to be fought...causes to fight for...people who are walking in darkness who need to see a great Light.
Pray for me, dear ones.
We are all in a battle, and the hater of our souls would rather we sleep.
May it not be so.
Let there be Light.
And yet another favorite by Keith Green...Asleep in the Light...God has used it before, He can use it again!
photo credit: Ted's photos - Returns late Feb <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/90955804@N04/29758680141">2016 - Baltic Cruise - St. Petersburg - Nose Up</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/">(license)</a>