And I saw in my dream...a turtle...

I bet you're thinking this blog will be about a dream I had. And you're right! But before I get to the dream, which I am purposely withholding until the very end of this ramble, you will need to be patient and read the blog from start to finish, otherwise the dream will make absolutely no sense. So, be patient and read on!

As most of you know, I am on a wellness/healing journey...my body has gone rogue and has been very mean spirited for years now. My new doctor, whom I adore, has made it clear that if I want to go on living, and do it well, there are some major changes that need to take place. Boy, was that an understatement!

Last night my sister asked me if I would want to post about this nightmare, er, journey I am on and I told her a gazillion other people have done it already so why me? But this morning I thought, "Those gazillion people do not know me or get to read my humble blog" so what the hey. And since this journey is not just about eating, maybe it can help and encourage someone else who's in similar circumstances. After all, that IS what this blog is about!

So, because of you my dear sister, here goes...this comes from my journal this morning...

This journey has been so much harder than I ever thought! When I began, I was starry-eyed and in a state of denial, I am sure of it. I foolishly believed that I had the strength and will power to eat nothing but meat and certain veggies and consume untold numbers of supplements for 30 days with no problem. No diary? Who cares! Chocolate? That is so passe! Grains? Who needs 'em, there's cauliflower rice! Nuts? Tomatoes? Sugar? Small things in the scheme of life! Now I can only wonder at my naivete and self-confident foolishness. What was I thinking? 

I knew in my head that food was my "drug of choice" but I never realized how dependent I am on it for happiness and fulfillment...popcorn and cheese for movie night, taco salad on Sundays, nuts and ice cream in front of the TV, Saturday night pizza, waking up in the morning and thinking of all the glorious food options for the day and how much happiness that food would bring. Now I wake up and groan...and roll back over, sheets covering my head. No eggs and cheese for omelettes? Life is so not worth living! 

My life as I knew it has ended. This way of eating eats up my time...I feel like my whole life is spent shopping or studying or planning or cooking...it's all about food...and not the kind of food that I had known and grown to love!

Now, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has brought these health issues into my life for a reason. He could see what I couldn't...that  my biggest problem was not a health one, but a spiritual one. God knows that until I crave Him more than food I will always be captive to it. My head understands this but my flesh is fighting it like a Ninja warrior...there are days I want to quit as I scream out, "Who the hell cares? If I die, at least I'll die with a smile on my face, eating the food I love." And therein, my friends, is the LIE I have been believing...food will never love us and we were never made to love food. Or anything. More than God. Ouch.

When the race seems hard and quitting's not an option

This past week I've been doing some testing for my doctor...take 2 pills for breakfast, note results. 3 pills for lunch, note results. 5 pills for dinner, ditto. For 2 days I did this.

The results were supposed to note whether or not I experienced anxiety. Heart palpitations. Any irregularities.

I almost told my doctor, as I was mentally rolling on the floor laughing, that we can save the money on these babies...I already know I am anxious! But I smiled and paid and did what was required.

All to say, the tests showed nothing...I guess he will have the last laugh.

But I'm not laughing.

You see, for several years now I have been experiencing worsening health conditions. My previous doctor put me on a gluten-free diet to help, and I guess it has to some degree. But in the meantime, my autoimmune disease has been playing hide and seek...popping up in the strangest ways...causing my body to go rogue on me.

I am not happy with my disobedient body.

So, recently I signed on with a new functional/wellness doctor who specializes in Thyroid Disease and all that means...and it means a lot.

Before our first meeting last week, I spent a lot of time studying health...specifically my health, and what the options were to ever live an energy-filled, optimistic life again.

So, I shouldn't have been surprised when during our hour long session, after diagrams and explanations and more explanations, he trounced me with the Big Remedy Plan...

No Gluten. Ha, got that down pat! No grains. Okay, that doesn't sound too hard. No sugar. Um, not sure how that's going to work. No Dairy. Wait just a minute...now you have gone too far!

Knowing I should be saying, "Wow, you are so right and I will do whatever it takes to get well again," instead I found myself saying, "What?? No cheese? I love cheese! It is my comfort food of choice!"

And from there it snowballed...no half and half for my coffee? No more gluten-free bagels with cream cheese? Or gluten-free noodles drenched in cheese sauce? No more popcorn and cheddar cheese and milkshakes on Sunday nights?

I do not like you, Sam I am. At all.

Standing at the edge of a grave...or...why it is better to have loved and lost.

Dearest loved one...

I felt your pain as we stood in the cold misty rain yesterday...

Staring into a deep, clay-colored hole in the forest floor...

Cardboard box by your side.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw another grave...draped in a shroud of soggy, colorless leaves...

Of another pet we had loved and lost...our never-too-smart, but dearly loved rescue dog from Mexico...Venga.

I would have given anything to spare you the pain I saw written on your face.

First Corinthians does a great job of telling us what love is...

But it doesn't touch on the heart-wrenching pain that love brings.

At times like this, it can be so hard to remember that this is not all there is...

That this cramped hallway we call life here, leads to Life There.

As Dad shoveled the clods of dirt onto Smeagol's box, a thought penetrated my daze...

Smeagol is not here! He's There...with Venga!

I could envision Venga prancing up on her back legs, goofy look in her eyes as she bent down to nuzzle Smeagol...

Who was purring with delight at finding a familiar friend...a loved one...waiting for him There.

And Smeagol was whole again!

Plump, with lungs that no longer labored for each breath...restored...and deliriously happy!

I wanted to smile and high-five a God who makes all things new, but I dared not.

"Why does God have to take the things we love?" you sobbed.

I wish I could have answered you yesterday with what I know today with all my heart...

Call the Attendant!

Blogs are born from days like these.

Be forewarned...any image you had of me wearing a halo will be shattered by the time you are done reading this!

And so the story begins...

It was the seventh stop of the day, with two more to go.

I was attempting to kill all my birds with one stone, and so far success was mine!

Thinking number seven would be a quick stop...run in and grab some medications from the pharmacy and some cheese from the Deli,

I parked the car easily in front of the store (which should have been a warning sign) and scurried in, only to be met with...

"Um, sorry Mrs. Tencza, I have a call in to the doctor's office for refills but they are not returning the call."

Say what? Seriously, this is the third time this has happened! 

It was then I knew Houston had a problem.

"Give me the Doctor's number and I'll give them a piece of my mind," I mindlessly declared.

Whoa, red light flashing....Warning...Warning.

Fumbling for my phone in my overcrowded purse, I hastily dialed the number, only to be met with a recording stating, "All parties are in a meeting and are not available. Your message will be transferred to a voice mailbox."

What the?

What doctor's office does not answer their phone? Suppose it was an emergency??

Determined that I had made a mistake and reached an unknown party, I tried again...pacing up and down the Burt's Bees aisle of the pharmacy...mind churning...eyes taking in all the fun things I could be buying instead of trying to reach these...

But again, the same message. 

Seriously???

It was then I heard the pounding of blood in my head...which is never, ever a good sign.
.
Okay, let's try this One. More. Time. 

But instead of hanging up and saving face, I left a message...basically stating that...

"I'm sorry, but what the heck is going on?? I NEED MY MEDS!"

Hanging up, I draped myself over the side of the pharmacy counter and looked the pharmacist straight in the eye and pronounced that I had given them hell and she should be hearing from the doctor's office any minute now.

As the pharmacist warily handed me 5 little pills to hold me over, I patted myself on the back and self-righteously stomped across to the store to the deli, for what should have been the simple act of buying cheese.

Now, sweet deli-girl that she was, evidently she couldn't tell low-salt cheese from the real thing and after slicing a pound and a half remembered that I did not ask for the low-salt stuff and proceeded to throw said bad cheese into the garbage pail, apologizing profusely for her stupidity.

Are you kidding?? You threw it away?? I would have taken it!!

Alright, let's try this one again. And she did...very, very, slowly.

It was at that point that I knew I was going to need an infusion of my favorite drug...Kumbucha juice...so while she sliced, I searched...2 bottles because one was definitely not going to be enough.

Back to the deli...cheese is almost ready...Grrrr...smile. Grrrr...smile.

Finally! Victory! I'm outta here!

Alas, it was not to be...

I had time for one final fool-making move...at the self-checkout.

As they say in High School Musical, "Will the carnage never cease?"

Why was I not surprised that after Every. Single. Swipe. on that infernal machine a message came up saying,,,

Call the Attendant. 

Every. Single, Time.

So, I did what any sane woman would do...

I started talking back to the machine. Loudly.

What do you mean, CALL THE ATTENDANT?? The item IS IN THE BAG!!

What is your problem??

And you know what the worst part was?

I didn't even know I was talking to it!

Not until the young woman on the machine next to mine stopped what she was doing and exclaimed,

"My, we are having an attitude today!"

Moi?

I looked at her and replied, "Haven't you ever had one of those days?"

You know, the kind where you just had blood work done...your mom is in the ICU...your husband is on a heart monitor with a Cardiologist appointment tomorrow...you're waiting on x-ray results to show why your husband has such bad pain in his hip, knee, and wrist...you can't find your daughter's favorite cat...and you think it's time to find a job. That kind of day??

No, I didn't tell her all that...but I heard it screaming in my head.

And I sighed.

Out of the heart the mouth speaks...

And mine had said a mouthful.

Thanking the Attendant who had come to help me four times, I left the store and crawled home.

But it wasn't until this morning, after a good night of little sleep, that the irony of yesterday hit me...

"Call the Attendant."

Jesus!

Just like that poor guy in the store yesterday...available every time I needed him...

Jesus would be there for me...every single time...through all the craziness that is my life right now.

Oh, me of little faith! Was it only 3 days ago that the Lord had sat me down and encouraged me with these words?

Deuteronomy 31

It is the Lord Who goes before you!

He will march with you!

He will not fail you!

Or let you go!

Or forsake you!

Let there be no cowardice

Or flinching.

But fear not!

Neither become broken in spirit

Depressed

Dismayed

And unnerved with alarm!

And Psalm 23

Goodness, mercy, and unfailing love shall follow me all the days of my life.

Which makes me think...and Lord knows I need to stop and do that more often these days...

If the Lord goes before me...marches with me...and goodness and mercy and unfailing love follow me...

What more do I need?

I am surrounded by God!

There's this hard-to-remember truth in the Bible that says when I am weak, He is strong.

I just don't always remember that when I am in crisis mode...or in everyday mode for that matter. 

I need to be reminded.

So, He sends me days like yesterday...

To remind me that I can't do this out-of-control journey of life by myself.

It would be insane and unnecessary.

And oh, so foolish.

Not about the sparkles? Gasp!

Confession...

I have a sparkle addiction.

Ask my daughter.

I can enter Hobby Lobby with one thing on my list and the best of intentions, but before I know it I'm squirreling hither and yon, chasing the sparkles...

Ooohing and Aaahing like a love-sick sailor.

Hopeless.

So I was thinking about that this morning, very early this morning, as I turned on the twinkling Christmas tree lights and settled in for some time-with-the-Lord.

What is it with sparkles? And why was I feeling slightly disconcerted?

And then I remembered...

Aha! The movie we watched last night!

That's what this is all about...

The heart of Christmas

I have something important I want to share with you this morning...an early Christmas gift to you.

And even though I have a busy day planned, full of all the activities the season brings, I need to take a minute and give it to you now, before it fades away.

Listen...

"King David went in, took his place before God, and prayed: "Who am I, my Master God, and what is my family, that you have brought me to this place in life? But that's nothing compared to what is coming, for you've also spoken of my family far into the future, given me a glimpse into tomorrow, my Master God! What can I possibly say in the face of all this? You know me, Master God, just as I am. You've done all this not because of who I am, but because of who you are-out of your very heart!-but you've let me in on it." 2 Samuel 18-22

Did you hear it?

Go back and read it again...

I don't want you to miss it!

Just like David, God loves you just as you are!

Not because of what you have done, but because of Who He Is!

I don't know about you, but when I read that this morning I let out one long exhale...

I needed to be reminded that it's all going to be okay.

You see, it's not about you or me...

It's about Him...Who He is.

All that we have...

All that we are...

Are because of Him.

And that truth filled my heart with wonder and praise!

Let me give you a little background about these verses...

It's the poinsettia's fault!

I hadn't planned on it, but this weekend I bought a miniature poinsettia...marbled in red and white, barely 3 inches tall.

I tenderly packed it amidst a flat of pansies, brought it home and placed it gently into a fragile porcelain Christmas cup, setting it on my kitchen window ledge where I could admire it.

From the moment I spotted that tiny thing at the greenhouse, lost among its larger, bolder, flashier relatives...

I knew it had to come home with me...

For it was a kindred spirit with my longing spirit...

For a simpler, quieter Christmas...

A Christmas season with less exterior and more interior.

A Christmas season with Jesus.

Not frantic busyness.

You see, for years I turned our home into a Christmas wonderland...every surface covered with glitter and lights, nativities and snowy winter scenes.

I spent days clearing out and packing up my normal life to make room for this once-a-year-spectacle called Christmas.